I’m going to write right now about a quirk of mine. This quirk is that when I’m home alone, in the shower, I speak in full voice to no one. I wouldn’t say that I’m having a conversation with myself, per se, because it’s not a dialogue. It’s not even really a monologue or a soliloquy..just kind of a speech. Like explaining something to someone, only I’m not speaking to anyone, because no one is home, much less in the bathroom with me..and I’m not explaining to myself, because I’m the one who is doing the explaining, yknow?
Now, I don’t do this when I’m home alone and not in the shower–not when I’m just in the bathroom in general, not when I’m in any other room, not when I’m working out or reading in bed or watching TV or chatting online with someone on Facebook. I laugh out loud pretty often when I’m in various rooms of the house, alone, but this isn’t the same thing. And I don’t do this when I’m at home and Mark is around, not even when I’m in the shower and he’s in a different room.
Here is tonight’s example. Tomorrow, I’m taking a half day and the plan is to get sandwiches for lunch, then drive out to Sacramento for a baseball game. The sandwiches will be from Ike’s Place, which rules and which I have not been to in several months. I’m excited for the sandwiches, so I decided to check out their menu, specifically because I’m craving bacon and avocado, and I wanted to see which of their sandwiches have both bacon and avocado–there are three, fyi. Then I was looking at the other sandwiches, and I came across an item on some of the sandwiches called ‘halal chicken’. Naturally, I was like, ‘I wonder what that is?’ So I looked it up on Wikipedia, and it turns out that, to put it not very gracefully, ‘halal’ is sorta like ‘kosher’, except for Islam, rather than Judaism.
Then I got in the shower, and proceeded, I kid you not, immediately, to speak about my thoughts on the concept of ‘halal’, and these are the major talking points:
– Halal is sorta like Kosher, because there are some of the same restrictions, i.e. pork, blood [ew], ritual slaughter stuff.
– it’s also sorta different, because, for example, food prepared by non-Jews isn’t Kosher, but food prepared by Jews and Christians can be totally Halal, which is weird. Alcohol also isn’t Halal, but can be Kosher.
– part of the Halal thing makes sense to me, being that, uh, who would eat a carrion animal? who would drink blood?
– however, pork rules. soo that’s a no-go for me. same with alcohol.
– then there’s a part, in the whole ‘explicitly forbidden’ section, about animals whose method of death make them non-halal. one of these methods is being killed by a beast of prey [okay, because why would i want that anyway?], but another one is being killed by falling. Now, I can get behind this idea assuming the animal fell from the cliff and died, like, yesterday. But what if I just happened to be standing there, very very hungry, and I actually witness the fall? I mean, that’s about as fresh as it gets..I don’t know.
– and then I go on a tangent about how I always saw the ‘halal chicken’ on the Ike’s menu and assumed it was a prep method, like a seasoning or something. and then another tangent about how I wonder why it’s only the chicken that they make halal? Like, is it harder to find halal beef? can beef even be halal? is it more expensive to get halal beef? I mean, I know the bacon and ham and stuff can’t be halal, obviously, because of the pork thing. And then another tangent about how I wonder if it’s a rip on Kosher deli, like, you’re gonna be Kosher? Well, we’re the only deli with Halal options in town, so ha!
And then I went on an out-loud tangent about how I wonder if the concept of ‘rinsing your hair with cold water seals the cuticle and makes it shinier’ was invented by Vidal Sassoon or some guy at the request of a bunch of husbands who were pissed off that their wives were using up all the hot water to rinse their hair. And then I wondered what Vidal Sassoon’s hair looked like? Was it long hair or short hair? Did he use his own products?
And then, I stepped out of the shower and went on an out-loud step-by-step lecture about how to properly dry off after a shower.
1. Before even opening the curtain, squeeze the excess moisture out of the hair
2. Then, sluice [that rhymes with juice! I literally said that.] the excess water off the arms and legs and body
3. Grab the towel, shake the foot off whilst still in the tub, step directly onto the mat, then shake the other foot off and put it on the mat too. This way, there is as little water on the tile as possible, which means less slipperiness and chance for mildew.
THEN, I go on a tangent about the phrase ‘less is more’, and how that can’t possibly ever be true, because ‘less’ and ‘more’ are opposites of each other; they aren’t the same as each other at all. But then, if something is less than something, couldn’t it possibly be more than something else? Hmmmm.
What is wrong with me?